If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst…

If You Can't Handle Me At My

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Fully Caffeinated Canadian Mom

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How to Be A Keyboard Warrior in the Mom Wars

How To Be A

There’s a dark side to the internet. Articles, commentaries and memes with smoke filled comment sections booming with the battle cries of the fiercest warriors on earth. Moms. You’ve tried so hard to avoid this, vowed you would never yield to picking up a weapon and mowing down someone’s personal thoughts with your own. Till that one fateful day someone makes an off-hand comment about being anti-vax or breastfeeding vs formula feeding and BAM! You lift your head an hour later and realize you’re smack dab in the middle of the Mom Wars.

So here you are. You’ve had the kid, you possess the unwavering opinions on subjects you may or may not have personal experience with…but how do you “win”? You feel so unprepared. It’s ok honey, I’m here. Put the baby down for a nap, stretch deep into your yoga pants and sip that latte. I’m here to tell you how to be an effective Keyboard Warrior.

Never Give Up: Like literally never, ever. No matter how knowledgeable your opponent is on the subject. No matter how many people have pointed out that you haven’t been IN their situation so you can’t possibly know what it’s like. You keep stating your point over and over until people start posting that eye roll emoji and blocking you from their page. That’s how you know you’ve really gotten through to them.

Google is Your Friend: Google will never let you down. It will always side with you. Not just anyone can google you know, and you can’t just put whatever you want on the internet so you can trust that it’s true. Say you’re trying to prove that vaccines are harmful. You just scroll right on down past all those studies of thousands of kids done by so-called “scientists” and find the ones done by tinfoil wearing conspiracy theorists. It doesn’t matter if the entire study is done based on their 4 children and the 2 neighbor kids. The truth will prevail!

Bring in the Reinforcements: That friend you had from grade school that gave her kid Tylenol for a 103 degree fever and he threw up immediately after? You tag her in this shit. That childless guy your husband’s cousin went to school with that believes doctors are all buying yachts with their Big Pharma money they receive for prescribing antibiotics? Add him to the local Mommy Group. It doesn’t matter who it is, if they believe what you do they’re 100% correct.

Never Check Your Facts: God gave you that Mommy Intuition for a reason. If you feel like someone is doing something wrong because you do it differently than for the love of self-righteousness you have an obligation to inform them their choice is wrong. Even if their way isn’t hurting anyone or detrimental to the immediate health and happiness of the child. Someday, someway, it will come back to them in therapy and prove to have been the causation of all their downfalls.

Employ Operation Compliment Sandwich: Little Timmy is looking a bit robust for his age in your cousin’s latest Facebook photo. You don’t’ want to step on any toes so you bust out the best tasting sandwich you can muster. The Compliment Sandwich. “Timmy looks soooooo cute in his little romper. Just so you know, it could be a sign of childhood obesity for him to be in 9 month clothes at 6 months. My lil guy was in average range at EVERY SINGLE WELL-BABY CHECKUP but obviously I do all organic and that helps. He’s really cute though with all those rolls!”

And there you have it. You’ve armed yourself with all the grace and tact of a Wi-Fi wielding dictator while still having the good sense to never say these things to someone’s face. I can’t say you’ll win every battle but as long as you feel confident that you’ve got your point across even when it wasn’t asked for well, that’s winning the war. Godspeed my friend.

But First…A Cup of Coffee

caff-ticipation

So I wake up this morning…I needed coffee.

There were adults out there already adulting.

I was not one of them.

I got one in, then started making another and pulled it out from under the Keurig before it was even done brewing.

Slow down body. Brain isn’t up yet.

The things I would like to do today surmount any reasonable amount of tasks that will actually get done.

We are buying a house! It’s our first and very exciting. What is neither exciting or new is the packing I now have to do.

While my husband works 2 jobs.

With a 4 year old.

And a toddler.

And three cats.

Dear God: Send the packing fairies and some whiskey. 

So if you miss me over the next couple weeks I’ll be over here packing.

With the fairies.

Drunk on fairy whiskey.