5 People Who Really REALLY Hate Parents

I’m sure since becoming a parent you now have your own list of people who drive you insane. And right there at the top are these assholes. The people who really really hate parents.

1. Children’s Toy Packaging Inventors: I’m not sure if this is an actual job title or if the makers of children’s toys just email hell and ask Satan’s Minions to send up their best work. You rip off a plastic dome, undo little ties of rope, cut through cardboard, risk death cutting through plastic ties with a large kitchen knife, and realize in the end you need a damn screwdriver to get the final plastic device – which appears to have no actual purpose – off the back. Meanwhile, your child is having an epic meltdown that can not be consoled by anything other than the toy…and that’s when you find out it doesn’t come with batteries.

Read the rest at ScaryMommy! Click below for more!

5 People Who Really REALLY Hate Parents CONTINUED…

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The 5 Internet Habits of Highly (Un)Motivated SAHMs

You’re a stay at home Mom? What do you do all day?
Oh not much really. Raising kids, cleaning, doing laundry that never gets done.
Sometimes though, for my own amusement I go on the internet. (Sometimes. Lol! I’m killing myself here!)

You can find me…

Booking Front Row Seats to Facebook Fights:  Nothing breaks up the day like a good old fashioned Facebook fight (that doesn’t involve me). I know I should be appalled that people I know are airing their dirty laundry on the internet like a smiling Mom in a Tide commercial. I just can’t. I’ll pop a bottle of wine and refresh that page 100 times if it means I get to be privy to some fighting that doesn’t involve trying to wrangle socks on a toddler. There’s a lot of monotony that comes with being home all day so pass the popcorn, Aunt Sally just told your little cousin she looks like a ho in her 14th selfie of the day.

Scrolling the Virtual Aisles of Amazon: How did we live before online shopping? People actually got dressed and went to a physical store and had to choose from whatever was there? Not anymore! Say you need a new pen. Well amazon has 438,801 options for you ranging from fairly priced to “2nd Mortgage”.

Reading the Comment Sections (AKA Douchebag Area): There isn’t enough breath in my body to describe how utterly despicable some people can be in the comment sections of, well, anything. Posting anything from a picture of your child to a highly researched article all become fodder for the assholes and know-it-alls of the world. Once you scroll down far enough under a blog post or article a world of brain/butt hurt opens up. You’ll flip back and forth from “is anyone really that stupid” to “I can’t believe someone would say that” faster than a teenage mood swing.

Getting Lost in Random Instagram Accounts: Be it celebrity or otherwise you can get lost on Instagram .You’re searching a hash tag and somehow get swallowed into an abyss of selfies and cat pictures and an hour later you lift your head and realize you know every outfit that Kim Kardashian wore in the last 3 years and who designed it.

Examining the Leavings of Advice Trolls : Be it blog or facebook or any venue with a comment section, you will surely find that one person who can make it all better. Post “Omg I just hit a squirrel with my car!!!” and someone will tell you what Natural Oils will revive the squirrel while simultaneously buffing the scratch from your bumper. 3 people will give you the name of their favorite car dealership and there will always be that one person that cries over the squirrel and and tells you to be careful. DO NOT post a pic of the incident because someone else will undoubtedly tell you that your 13 year old should be rear facing and this wouldn’t have happened if you had your mirrors positioned differently.

Oh Golly, I literally can’t even with these poppycock comments today!

Texting While Menstruating: Is It Worth It?

There are really not enough commendations out there for women who go through emotional hell each month with their periods and come out the other side without seeing the inside of a courtroom or police car. Its a turbulent time. Emotions are high. You’ve put on some water weight and want to break the scales into a million pieces. Maybe someone says “You’re so emotional today, are you PMSing?!” and you want to break them into a million pieces.

Now I like to think of myself as a fairly calm person most of the time. I don’t always blame everything on PMS or my period and I’m not prone to paranoid rambling texts on a normal day. This day however, all signs pointed to Emotional-ville and I hopped aboard the Crazy Train with gusto.

The quickest way to start a fake fight that’s not actually happening is texting.
You cant’ read tone in text, sarcasm is lost sometimes, and nobody knows what the other person is doing so they assume they’re ignoring them if they don’t reply right away. If you add hormones into this mix its basically a uterus shaped atom bomb.

Below I’ve outlined the 6 stages of messaging my husband while he was busy at work. It is with shame and indignity that I have to ask myself, and you, “Should I be allowed to use technology while menstruating? Is it really worth the bumpy ride on the Crazy Train?”

Stage One: Emotional Turmoil

This emotion floods in like the period you just started. Life is so HARD and everything that can go wrong will go wrong in that first day. So you turn to your husband for some support.

“I’m so upset.  I’m sick & have a doctors appointment for tomorrow. EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!”

*NO REPLY*

Stage 2: Delusional

Obviously the fact that he hasn’t replied means everything you ever thought he was is a lie. It couldn’t be that he’s busy at work, or dealing with a difficult client. Nope.  Life as you know it is obviously falling apart. Your head is swimming with the horrors of custody battles. That’s if the not-so-sweet release of death doesn’t get you first based on the sore throat and ear you’re bemoaning.

“I feel like we’re headed for divorce and Google says I have cancer. I’m probably dying.”

*NO REPLY*

Stage 3: Window of Saneness

A brief moment of good sense creeps back in your mind. You feel like maybe you’ve been overreacting just…a tad. OK so maybe he’s busy. He is at work. I’m being crazy.

“Sorry  I’m so emotional. I’m all over the place. Period.”

*NO REPLY*

Stage 4: Liam Neeson

The next obvious reaction is to ponder the merit of the radio silence being due to someone else having his phone and laughing gleefully at his crazed wife messaging him in a period induced psychotic break. You threaten said kidnappers in the best way you know how.

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“If you kidnapped my husband I will find you and go “Liam-Neeson-With-A-Kidnapped-Daughter” on your ass.  I will find you……..and I will kill you.”

*Husband Finally Replies*

Stage 5: Cold Treatment

So you hear some details about how busy he’s been coupled with an “Love you” and it sinks in even more how…slightly over the top…you have been. You can’t give up there, however. If you act too happy to hear from him right away it would be like admitting that your “overreactions” were something to be ashamed of. Liam Neeson never apologizes. Why should you?

Here’s where you insert your best bitch face emojji.

Followed by this gem.

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His reply? “That’s good I guess.”

Stage 6: Normalcy Returns

You find yourself able to chat about the kids and bills without ripping anyone’s head off. Maybe you even still like him a little bit. Maaaybe you can admit to your self that no, you probably shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a keyboard of any sort on Day One of your period.

BONUS STAGE!

When you text your friend aka his office manager the following message.

“Well if he’s not busy and just ignoring me tell him to go fuck himself. If he’s busy tell him I love him and have a good day.”

I’m an Internet Addict and I Don’t Wanna Get “Clean”

Everyone’s talking about how addicted to our phones we are.  They’re saying we don’t interact with people enough. That we’re a vain society obsessed with “selfies” and instagraming our food.

Well…I tend to agree that there’s a fine line and most days I don’t stay on the better side of it. I know nobody needs 15 social network sites and 1000+ “friends” on each of them. I don’t need to read about celebrity breakups or be able to ship eyeliner from China to save half a dollar.  I am however, really glad I have that option.

There are many reasons I am guilt free about being an internet addict. I use my phone and laptop for everything. Listening to music, watching Netflix while rocking the baby to sleep, following recipes while cooking, looking up free homeschooling materials, asking Google if my child is in danger because I caught her eating Vitamin C tablets. You know, the usual. Just this morning, in all her infinite curiosity,  my oldest asked me how butterflies eat.

Now back in the olden days (think 1992) we didn’t have access to High speed or 4G or have portable supercomputers in our pockets. Answering all of life’s little questions for our children would require a long trip to the library to search through encyclopedias or a jaunt over to the computer lab to hook into Ye Olde Dial-up to search Netscape Navigator for answers.

God Mom, can’t you just give me ONE HOUR to download this picture of Hanson?!

Today I simply asked Google and it spit out  6,130,000 results in the blink of an eye. Right there near the top was a kid friendly explanation so I didn’t even  have to use many of my early morning brain cells to break it down for her.

I know sometimes I could be more engaged with my physical surroundings instead of my online life. I could visit a friend instead of a webpage. This morning though? The internet made me a better mom. I didn’t brush her off with an “I don’t know” or tell her to ask her dad. We both learned something and it was out of genuine curiosity not because I said she had to. That’s worth something.

I must have restarted my device in the last few years because I’m pretty sure its been longer than that.

The 6 Ways My Child Thanked Me for Her Existence This Week

Just one Timmies to get the creative chaos juices flowing. (She wasn’t supposed to be into this either)

My 4 year old left me some very interesting presents around the house this week to let me know she loves me. Lets round up the most memorable tokens of appreciation shall we?

1) Moisturizing The Bathroom: I found dollops of this smelly lavender Bed Time lotion all over the bathroom. Not all at once however. Go to the toilet, see some on floor. Giving the kids a bath, reach for a towel and there’s some more.  Another time notice a glob on the drawers where we keep deodorant etc.  What ever happened to the day where the mess was at least contained to one surface?

2) Shades of Peanut Butter: She painted the wall with it. A good little swatch of the wall to (I assume) find out how well it would go with her plans for a Raspberry Jelly Couch. Her interior design skills, while questionable at best, are also now not peanut free.

3) Becoming a Nudist: We made the mistake of laughing at her when she rolled around like a gleeful puppy on our blankets in just her undies while I was making the bed. Cue the removal of her clothes every time I make the bed (and one time when she called me to the stairs and she was up there totally nude because she wanted to be “more weird”)

4) Dry Shampooing My Sinuses: My house reeked in certain spots and my allergies were not happy. There may possibly have been hair spray involved as well.

5) Waking up at the crack of “Aw Hell Naw” every.single.day.

6) Eating my chocolate chips and making me wonder if I’m crazy. I’m still not sure if *I* ate them all or she did. I could swear I had more but then I came back to the room and neither she nor chocolate chips were there. Was it all a dream? Chocolate-ception.

So there you have it. What memorable shenanigans have your little darlings gotten into this week?

Have You Seen My Milk Bags? (Its not what you think!)

Well the time has come. The time to write the inevitable post about Milk Bags. No this isn’t another breastfeeding post.

I am a Canadian with a lot of American friends and the thing they’re most shocked about is our sacs of milk. Not that we have a premier instead of a president. Not that we have universal healthcare. The biggest question isn’t “Why is the Queen of England on your money?” (which I know can be a bit confusing)

The biggest shock and awe are these.

Yes, that’s right. In Canada our milk comes in BAGS.

Here’s how it goes.

We buy a big bag containing smaller bags of milk.

Then we take a milk bag out.

The Elusive Milk Mother and her Milk Baby

After placing the milk bag in our handy milk sac holder we cut the tip or (in our house) both tips off for milk pouring.

Goooo Mooontreal! (Yeah that Hockey cliche is true)

Now you may ask yourself “Why?!?! Why are they up there putting milk into bags when there are perfectly good containers out here. Well…the best answer is landfills. We got a big beautiful country here and the bags are repetitively small and take up less space than cartons.

So there you have it.

Gawk.
Gasp in wonder at my beautiful milk bags.
If you were here I would let you touch one and feel its milky jiggle.

How to Help Her Lose a Guy in 10 Ways

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Breakups suck. Most of us have experienced it one time or another first hand, which makes us even more sympathetic when it happens to a friend. It doesn’t matter who leaves who or why, she will need you to help her through it. So go on, hit the liquor store and grab her beverage of choice and favorite takeout to drop off.  Here’s how you can help.

1) Always, ALWAYS take her side. Even when she’s being irrational and crying about how much she hates him for seemingly innocent gestures like offering to make her pancakes. Its not really about the pancakes.

2) Answer all her texts. Even the 27th one about how her life is over and she’s never going to find anyone. Nobody actually knows what to say after 3 or 4 times of “Yes of course you will you’re a great person!”  so just tell her she’s pretty and funny and someone will love her. It’s not actually about finding someone its about how she’s scared of being alone.

3) If she decides to stay, keep your snotty comments to yourself. My friend T knew for years she wasn’t happy and it was obvious something monumental was missing from her relationship. It takes a lot of strength to leave a relationship where nobody is to blame and sometimes a lot of time to get up the courage to do so.

4) Do not let her pull a Britney. Yeah, we all want a fresh start when a breakup happens but if she talks about chopping all her hair off, getting a tattoo, or how cool she’d look with an eyebrow piercing its time to tell her “A drunken night out at the all male strip club lasts till morning but body ink is forever.”

5) Don’t over sell the single life to make getting back in the dating game seem more appealing. Just today I got a call from T. It’s her daughters weekend with her ex and she said “I thought I was going to to be having sex this weekend but instead I’m alone and on my period.” It’s OK honey, you date your couch and Jane Austen movies on Netflix as long as you need to. Mr Darcy will never let you down.

6) When she starts dating remind her that different relationships serve different purposes. Suuuurrreee the guy at the corner store that speaks no English and is 10 years younger than you that you have nothing in common with looks REALLY good when you drop in after girls night out. (Ok , wine night in is more accurate) Should you go on a date with him? Sure! Do you have to figure out how to speak Portuguese ASAP for family dinner at his Mom’s next Christmas? No.

7) Be down for bashing the ex over the stupidest things imaginable. “Oh my God I can’t believe he hated when you wore unmatched socks! No I don’t think it’s an overreaction at ALL that you threw out one half of every pair you owned the day you moved out!”

8) Be up for listening to her lament over all the things her ex was actually good at. Sympathize that she’ll now have to do all the household chores herself but just remind her that she no longer has to throw him a damn parade every time he takes the garbage out.

9) Let her be selfish. Sometimes the conversation is going to be all about her. You might get annoyed. You MIGHT want to talk about something other than how hard it is being alone or how many times she drunk dialed her ex or what color panties goes well with her bedspread for when she starts dating. It’s only for a while. Time does heal. Break ups are bigger than telling her about the latest work drama or how Aunt Sally pissed off the entire family again.

10) Know when to burn her self help books. There comes a time when they’re not so much “Helpful” as “Satan’s Handbook To Never Dating Again”. If she has a quote from He’s Just Not That Into You for every possible dating prospect and scenario then break out the matches.

10 Things That Make a Canadian Mom Cry

  1. Misplace the milk-bag scissors. Nobody likes mornings (normal people anyway) and giant bags of milk are useless without the corner cut off so you can make everyone a bit more tolerable with coffee.
  2. “New this month on Netflix….” No. New this month on AMERICAN Netflix. We’re up here watching Trailer Park Boys reruns.
  3. The kids are driving you crazy but even you, in your stressed filled desperate mind, can’t justify sending them out to play in -30 C weather.
  4. Just getting the baby down and a herd of snowmobilers pass the house.
  5. Running out of something and having to take the kids and “pop” to the store but having to put 25 layers of clothing on everyone first. (and then someone has to pee)
  6. “This content is not available in your region.”
  7. An extra charge for international shipping from the USA. “We’re right above you! We’re your hat! All I want are these super cute shorts not the access code to the White House front gate!”
  8. All your American friends are posting about their fabulous Thanksgiving dinners and its already been ages since we had ours so all the turkey leftovers are gone.(and we already have our Christmas decorations up!)
  9. When you finally have a sitter in the evening and want to sneak away to Tim Hortons while the kiddies are in bed but you live in a small town and the Timmies isn’t 24 hours.
  10. The kids outgrow the summer clothes family gives you at their baby shower without ever wearing them because there’s at least 6 months of winter beforehand.

Its enough to make a beaver weep.