But First…A Cup of Coffee

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So I wake up this morning…I needed coffee.

There were adults out there already adulting.

I was not one of them.

I got one in, then started making another and pulled it out from under the Keurig before it was even done brewing.

Slow down body. Brain isn’t up yet.

The things I would like to do today surmount any reasonable amount of tasks that will actually get done.

We are buying a house! It’s our first and very exciting. What is neither exciting or new is the packing I now have to do.

While my husband works 2 jobs.

With a 4 year old.

And a toddler.

And three cats.

Dear God: Send the packing fairies and some whiskey. 

So if you miss me over the next couple weeks I’ll be over here packing.

With the fairies.

Drunk on fairy whiskey.

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You Don’t Need To Understand To Be Kind

Understand (1)

Have you ever tried to make sense of something that you have no personal experience with and all you can come up with is “I don’t understand why so and so would do do that. I’ve done it this way for many years and it’s obviously the superior choice.”

Unless this previous statement is about homework or your job or something that pertains to you and yours sometimes we need to let it go.

Its one thing to search for knowledge on a particular subject so that you can be welcoming and respectful of others without the same views or practices as yourself. When we’re ranting and questioning why someone would do something based on the fact that we don’t, however, it can be hurtful.

You don’t need to understand why someone parents differently than you. You just need to assume they’re doing the best for their family cause that’s what parents do.

You do not need to comprehend why other people are of a different religion that yourself. Just know that whatever they believe is their truth and deserves respect instead of ridicule and hate.

You don’t need to understand why someone would be attracted to a different sex than you, or live life as another gender or none at all. You simply can be kind and assume they’re doing it to be happy which is the goal for all of our lives.

The list goes on and on.

Choose kindness, my friends. Above all choose kindness because you never know who is hearing your confusion and misinterpreting it as criticism.

Current Mood:

If my emotions had a face they would be like…

Actual picture of my emotions. #nofilter

So quick update: I’m over here adulting and stuff…trying to buy a house and work with banks and do all that adulty adult stuff that we looked forward to with glee as kids but try to avoid as much as possible now that we are grown.

Anyways that’s where I’m hiding and hopefully will be back with something funny soon after everything calms down. (And maybe some hilarious fodder for rants judging by the sheer amount of adulting that will be happening.)

Did I say adulting enough?

Cause I’m feeling pretty un-adulty in an adulty world right now.

A Vacation with Kids

Vacation With Kids

Is there anything more stressful and tiring than a vacation with children?
No. There’s not.

Have you ever heard someone say they needed a vacation from their vacation?
Those people probably had kids.

What is a vacation with kids?

Basically the crying, screaming, and sleep deprivation of everyday life are broken up with a few Instagram worthy moments of visiting zoo’s and theme parks. At the end of the day you’re in some strange room or hotel and the kids are super wired and extra overtired and nobody sleeps well. Then you get up and do it all over again.

There’s also the travel. Both of my wee ones get carsick so add “Drugged” and “Stupor” followed by “Loopy” into the mix, bringing a weird menage a trois of the lesser known characters of Snow White to the car.

So needless to say, although it was great to get out and do things last week, I’m looking forward to things being back to normal now. The husband is back to work (Praise Banana) the kids have caught up on some sleep (Bless Thor) and I am back to procrastinating on my housework and writing things (Hail Coffee).

Have a peaceful week!

Finding My Neverland

Finding My Neverland

Do you remember what it was like to be free?
A child’s freedom is tangible, infectious, and enviable.
A child’s joy is not confined by social boundaries or expectations. It runs on happiness and curiosity and slows only to give way to wonder.

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When did we lose that exuberance for life? Why did we listen when the unspoken voice of society told us to “sit down, shut up and act our age?

Somewhere along the journey from our wide-eyed childhood, someone taught us what fat meant. Said no one too many times. Broke our hearts.
We learned about violence and prejudice. About expectations and acceptable behavior.
We became cynical and cautious in order to protect the spark of joy we still had deep inside.

My hope is that we learn to get it back. That we will play with our children and see the world through their eyes. That we will put aside caution and social expectations and instead find that  spark and fan it till it’s a wildfire burning away the boundaries we’ve set for ourselves.

Life is too short not to find the magical. Too hard not to strive to find as much happiness as possible. Too precious to walk a path made for us, instead of carving out our own.

Too wonderful not to enjoy.

I don’t want to grow up any more. I want to grow down. I want to see the world through the undiluted eyes of a child. I want to be happy.

I want to be free.

Once Upon A Time In Momland

ICYMI: The real-life twisted fairytale us Mom’s got goin on.

Fully Caffeinated Canadian Mom

BAKERY

You wake up happy, vowing to have an amazing day and not lose your cool like yesterday. Throw in a few woodland creatures (WHY did we get THREE cats again?!) and tiny evil gnomes (Mommy loves you!) and you’ll go down in a puff of smoke labeled the “Evil Queen” once again. When did my life become a jacked up Mom version of a Disney Movie? I guess it has something to do with these:

You’re always late for the ball. You blame the kids but really it’s the fact that you keep underestimating the time it takes to get 2 kids dressed and then redressed after the big one spills yogurt on her shirt and the little one poops herself.

Your carriage barely runs better than a pumpkin and you can’t find anyone willing to transform a mini-van into a kid friendly Porsche.

You can shoot ice daggers from your…

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The Mom Night-Life Scene: Decoded

Mom Night-Life

I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking about whole-bottle wine-a-thon’s after the kids are in bed.
About getting out of the house with your girlfriends and dancing the night away while they sleep (And consequently the epic hangover that you have to parent through the next day).
About tawdry nightclubs for Mom’s to unleash their inner freak (No? Just me? Sorry).

In actuality I am just going to tell you about last night. About the underbelly of parenting. Some might say the hardest part of the day isn’t DAY, it’s the night. Probably that someone has a crappy sleeper like I do. Someone out there understands, I know you do.

Let me preface by saying my 1 year old not only doesn’t sleep through the night yet, she still night nurses. Yeah. So…leave your judgement at the door but feel very free to give me tips on how to make that stop.

Also, I’m just gonna guess on the time-frame that all this happened cause when it’s after midnight EXACT TIME HAS LOST ALL MEANING!

6:30PM Rock/Nurse Baby and lay her in crib.

7:00PM Rock/Nurse Baby and lay her in crib. (At this point Samuel L. Jackson becomes my spirit animal. Go the eff to sleep, kid!)

7:30PM Rock/Nurse baby and lay her in crib. THANK EFF! She stayed. I notice that the 4yo has passed out backwards on my bed without brushing her teeth or using the bathroom. I’ma just let that happen.

8:00PM Plop 4yo unceremoniously in her loft bed and shut her door.

PLAY MARIO KART LIKE A 12YO FOR AN UNDETERMINED AMOUNT OF TIME. Yes, I’m 30 but when the kids are asleep I’m allowed to be a child again.

11:00PM Drift off into sweet sweet oblivion.

12:30AM Baby decides she wants to get up. I’ve taken my allergy pills at this point. They help with allergies and they make me sleepy so I usually take them before bed. Side effects include NIGHT EATING LIKE A BOSS. Seriously I scarfed down half a hotdog bun with cheez whiz and a bunch of Cheezits (at least there was a theme?) and put the baby back to bed.

4:30AM Baby gets up again. I go to pee and notice one of my 3 cats (yes, I AM a little insane to have that many cats along with kids) has brutally murdered a small creature in the bathtub. What the hell is this, Cat-Dexter?! I’ve been down this road before. I just left it there. Ok? I was not picking up dead mouse in the night. Don’t worry I got to it later. In the fuzzy ,pre-coffee first lights of day. This is my fur-family, I will clean up the mess. Sanitizing the bathtub isn’t too big of a deal. Wrapping the mouse in plastic seems a tad weird but what if I don’t dispose of it properly and it’s family came looking for it? Thank God for crime shows.

6:00AM The rooster child I birthed decided it was time to rise. I did not agree. The other 4yo rooster child did however. I gave the big kid netflix to watch via my phone in bed and tried to get the baby to sleep. No dice. Face clawing of Real Housewives of New Jersey proportions ensued. I went to the bathroom to find out the murderer moved the body from the original crime scene prompting me to clean it up ASAP before one of the children found it.

7:00AM I had coffee and put a stop to the NOT-AT-ALL uplifting morning flute melodies big kiddo was playing. I decided to chronicle this night that, murder aside, wasn’t all that weird or abnormal at all.

I am completely aware that I signed up for this.
And most of the time I am so used to it that I don’t even think about it or notice extra tiredness during the day.
Honestly the thing I’m most upset about is the Cheez. It’s not even “cheese”. I ate so much fake orange. That can’t be good for a person.

5 Situations That Make a Socially Awkward Mom Cringe

5 Situations That Make A (2)

Do you shudder at the thought of large crowds? Come home after events and analyze every meaningful conversation that you had till you’re convinced people think you’re crazy? Do you identify with the Socially Awkward Penguin meme so much that you’re convinced you should just move to Antarctica? If so, you might be socially awkward and being at these 5 places probably drives you batty.

1. Doctor’s Appointments: From the time you find out you’re pregnant to all the well-baby checkups that first year, the doctor’s office is your new home away from home. It’s not bad enough that they pack you into a tiny waiting room like a bunch of hugely pregnant sardines. No, people also have to chat. Polite chitchat is not your friend. It starts out fine but then your mouth starts talking faster than your brain can complete thoughts. It’s hard to get your foot in your mouth with the huge belly but you manage it every time.

2. Playdates: If they’re coming to your house you’ll clean for days before hand in preparation for tiny hands to mess things up. If you’re going to theirs you’ll worry about having to make conversation and if the other Mom’s will think you’re weird. Your child will inevitably recruit other kids and start a small riot and you’re left wondering if she’s the “bad kid” or “gang leader” in the other parent’s minds. After mulling it over for months you chalk it up to youthful curiosity and fun and hope you get invited back again. Not because you want to go, but because that would mean you haven’t been blacklisted.

3. Waiting in Line: There’s someone behind you. There’s someone in front of you. Do you stare off into the distance? Should you mention how nice the weather is? Oh God, my child just asked that woman what the mole on her face is. Maybe I can just go on my phone…oh great I just realized I’ve been standing here laughing at stupid Facebook messages. I look like a wingnut! I’ll just talk to my kids like a really attentive Mom. Nobody can find fault in that surely. I’m just here to do some banking, this is too much!

4. Birthday Parties: I’m not sure what age you’re supposed to just drop them off and leave but someone needs to establish a number quick! Should I socialize with the other Mom’s? I don’t wanna. Follow my kid around to make sure he doesn’t break anything? Awkward. Just give me a freaking hotdog and some cake so I have something to do with my hands and people will leave me alone. If you’re lucky that one Mom you get along with is also there and you can follow her around like a lost puppy piggybacking on her good manners. Why don’t they serve wine at these things?

5. School Committees: If you’re on one of these babies it’s probably because you’ve been “volun-told”. Someone volunteered you for the job. You now hate them with a passion equaled to the burning fire of a 1000 suns. (You’ll get yours Cindy. The zoo trip is coming up and I feel your arachnophobia makes you well suited to take the kids through the spider exhibit.) You can sit around meetings quietly listening and risk the group thinking you’re not helping. Or you can throw out some ideas and risk being the “bossy” one. Dear God these need to come with a manual. Or be done via text because it’s easier to cringe and hate myself after I speak without anyone seeing me.

How to Help Her Lose a Guy in 10 Ways

ICYMI: How to help a friend through a breakup. What are you tips?

Fully Caffeinated Canadian Mom

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Breakups suck. Most of us have experienced it one time or another first hand, which makes us even more sympathetic when it happens to a friend. It doesn’t matter who leaves who or why, she will need you to help her through it. So go on, hit the liquor store and grab her beverage of choice and favorite takeout to drop off.  Here’s how you can help.

1) Always, ALWAYS take her side. Even when she’s being irrational and crying about how much she hates him for seemingly innocent gestures like offering to make her pancakes. Its not really about the pancakes.

2) Answer all her texts. Even the 27th one about how her life is over and she’s never going to find anyone. Nobody actually knows what to say after 3 or 4 times of “Yes of course you will you’re a great person!”  so just tell her…

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