5 Reasons Toddlers Will Survive the Zombie Apocolypse

CURLY BRACKETS TO

If you haven’t heard of the show “The Walking Dead” you live under a rock and won’t be reading this post anyway since I hear the WiFi is pretty spotty down there. If you are reading this post you’ve probably at least heard of the show. Maybe you’re a fan like I am and root for your fav characters to survive. They don’t all survive, however (cue millions of Beth tears). Do you know who would? Toddlers. They’re crafty little humans that get underestimated because of their size and tendency to poop their pants.

“But how?!” you ask. “They can barely speak and their biggest threat is being almost as cute as Norman Reedus!?”

They can exist on very little sleep: No walker is going to get them in the dead of night. They’ll be up every 1.5 hours and will wake for something as little as a floorboard creaking or someone peering into their crib to check on them. Sometimes they’ll just stay up most of the night on high alert, and still be awake enough the next day to refuse their nap.

Kids will eat anything (or exist on nothing at all): From stuff they found in the garbage can to leaves and dirt outside, kids will eat anything (except what you lovingly prepare for dinner). Starvation will never be a problem no matter how sparse the pickings because they have trained themselves to exist on 2 Goldfish Crackers and a sip of milk per day.

Oh, and everything they don’t eat is applied directly on their body for camouflage.

They can make a weapon out of anything: They have lots of practice hitting their siblings (or parents) with different toys to see which one leaves the biggest bump. Kids learn young how to position Lego to inflict the most pain and slow you down. If a walker actually catches up with them they’ll turn their super cute chubby toes into iron-like daggers and leave bruises on their thighs till they let them down. They’re at a stage where violence still doesn’t bother them so they’re ruthless.

They’re super good at being quiet when things are going down: You know when a toddler’s quiet that means something is afoot. They’re into SOMETHING. The dead are coming? You won’t hear a peep as they fashion a flaming spear out of a baton, fork and matches they found in Dad’s pocket.

This is also the trait that allows them to sneak up and scare the crap out of you. Good for ambushes.

They prefer to live in makeshift shelters and forts: Throw a blanket over a couple chairs and they’re ecstatic. Every night in the wilderness in a homemade tent or tree fort is gonna be like Christmas. They won’t ask to go traipsing through the forest to find better lodgings that are probably already occupied by the dead owners. No, they’ll be content to stay put and make another bedroom out of the bedding of anyone who bites the dust. Err…gets bit (same thing).

no-walkers-allowed

I can’t wait to meet up with all you parents out there in the post apocalyptic world. The more toddlers we have together the safer we’ll be (that logic doesn’t work in ANY other situation). Which skills will your kiddo will bring to the gang?

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14 thoughts on “5 Reasons Toddlers Will Survive the Zombie Apocolypse

  1. thejillist says:

    Oh my god, that kid tossing himself over the baby gate is giving me recurrent heart palpitations. They are crafty little bastards, aren’t they!?

    Like

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